Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
