Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
