I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
