fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
