PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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