Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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