the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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