Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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