ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I look better un-naked...
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize