Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i will never coherently bang her
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
