Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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