"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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