So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
