Define "chronic" masturbator.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
