can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i think i have two assholes
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
