guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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