She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
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