P.S. I can't hear my feet
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
