Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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