I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
