I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
