I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
