you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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