Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
