Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
