Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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