1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
