Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
