Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
