we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
