I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
