I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
