he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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