I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Randomize
