$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
