i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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