if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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