Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
