Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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