I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
