On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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