Capitaan dildo arrescate!
In America we eat man semen.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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