Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
