I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
COCAINE IS GR8
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
