id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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