Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
