I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
