Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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