i jhust puked up my retainher.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
