I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
