but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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