I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
