I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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