I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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