I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
