It's Friday. Sex?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
