if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
