The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
