The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize