im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
