Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
