No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
so much tequila, so little girl.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
