UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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