It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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